My Secret, TOLD!

via here

I have a secret that has been wanting to come out for some time.

The truth is, I am scared...

Will you judge me?

 Think of me different?

Feel sorry for me?

I originally wrote this post back in March, but haven't had the courage to PUBLISH my post.
{So thank you Ashley for giving me the courage}

.......

Not many people know this about me, because I am a pro at masking my feelings. 

But today,
I choose to share with you, in hopes that you can better understand the person that sits behind this keyboard. This is me. raw, vulnerable, REAL.

I've struggled with painful insecurity.

That's right, me and every other girl
 {you may be saying to yourself}.

THIS is my story:
When I was in the second grade, my parents got divorced. If this isn't the biggest heart break for a child, I don't know what is. They tried to make it work (4 times) for my sister and I, but were unsuccessful.

Throughout a good majority of my adolescence, I would spend weekends with my Dad, and cry my eyes out the entire time because I missed my mom. Free time with my mom was always spent with her significant other. I was told to lie and keep things from my Dad...
This lead to a great deal of anxiety.
Anxiety about where I would be going next...
Who would be picking me up from school?
What would my friends think?
What if my Dad finds out about my Mom's {NEW} guy?
As a result, I started biting my nails and getting HORID cold sores from STRESS.
AT 7 years old!!

I remember having a panic attack on the way to school one day. I could not breath and wasn't sure I would live to see my 9th birthday. My mom told me I was over reacting.

My past caught up to me in high school.
 I was painfully shy.
I had my group of friends, but never ventured outside of that.
I would know the answer in class, but was to afraid to raise my hand.
I didn't have enough confidence to try out for dance (my dream), even though it was always natural to me.
Eating became an issue. I have always been a small girl, but I was CONVINCED I was fat. I would NOT be seen in a bathing suit.
I remember being JEALOUS of my best friend because she had the perfect family, perfect house, perfect life. Why couldn't I have all that?
My parents would buy me things because they felt guilty.

Going to an all girls school helped me hide behind my mask. I didn't have to compete for a guys attention. In fact, I didn't have to deal with the opposite sex PERIOD! I wore a uniform so I didn't have to dress to impress.

In college, there were days (more often then not), that I would drive all the way to class and not have the COURAGE to get out of my car. I felt UGLY. FAT. GROSS. AWKWARD. I failed an ENTIRE year of school because I was too insecure to go to class.

My first LOVE came around my junior year of college. Sure I had dated before, but this time I gave my heart away.
For the first time in my life, someone told me I was beautiful and smart and took notice in me.
Unfortunately, I was vulnerable, weak, destructive...
{recipe for disaster}
I was looking for LOVE in all the wrong places.
It took me to hit rock bottom before I realized I needed HELP! 


I am sure you are waiting for some sort of recovery story, but that I haven't quite mastered.
What I can tell you is that I am a constant work in progress.
I have learned to take it one day at a time.
I still have days where I feel less confident than others.
Days where I'd like to call in sick.


Sara Driscoll Photography

What I can tell you, 
is my family of 3, has been the best medicine of them all. Waking up next to my best friend everyday and getting kisses from my baby girl, is all I've ever wanted in this life. Chris is SO supportive and understands my need for CONSTANT encouragement. The day I became a momma, most of this INSECURITY went out the window. Truly the best gift I could ever ask for.

Today,
I strive to be more bold in my choices.
To shrug things off.
NOT CARE what others think.
Not take MYSELF or life too seriously...

Why did I reveal such a secret from my life?
Because this blog is ME.
I don't want to hide anymore.
I want you to know where I come from.

So many blogs paint a picture of "Perfection",
and we love them for it.
That's not me though.
My life isn't an orderly home, 5 course meal every night, and perfectly well behaved children.
In my life, the puzzle pieces don't always fit perfectly.
Yet, somehow, we manage.

This blog has been such a blessing for me. It has allowed me to reveal more of myself to you in hopes of helping just one person going through a similar circumstance. Revealing such an intimate part of my life is THERAPY for me.  I like to believe I am an open book. My story is my gift to you! THAT is why I do this!